The Not Titled One

I've learned at least two things about myself since I started blogging.

I can't remember the first one, but the second one is that I like to give my post a title before I write it. 

 

Stupid idea. 

 

I know where I think I'm headed when I sit down to type

...but it isn't always where I end up. 

(like yesterday...after I published my post, I had a much better title in my head. But I was in bed at that point and just didn't think you'd mind a poorly titled post...again. So I decided to retitle it today--but, of course, I have no idea what that superb title I had last night might have been. C'est la vie!)

I've decided to write this post first, then choose the title.

(I will confide that I think it should be "Constant Faith and Abiding Love")

It drives me a little nutty when I don't think I have expectations, yet I get into a situation and find myself perturbed that someone doesn't act/think/say/do what I thought they were going to. 

I am begin to see: if someone's behavior isn't what I thought and it bugs me...I must have been expecting something--

Follow?

So, I have begun to distill some of this gobbledygook to find 

the nugget of truth I need to deal with within myself. 

Hypothetically,  this is about me and you.

I get confused when you don't act the way you did last time. 

Therefore, no matter how hard I try not to,

I must have expectations...

I expect you to act the same, or at least somewhat predictably, 

with each similar interaction we have. 

 

~Although~

I personally want the freedom to be spontaneous and unpredictable,

I want you to be same-same and boring.

I can be capricious when you are constant.

 

I guess the reverse is also true. If I am predictable, you may feel the freedom to be impetuous.

(FYI: I prefer being the spontaneous one, okay?)

 

So, how does that work in parenting these kids of ours, Maylin specifically?

 

I set myself up for conflict (either within myself, or with the child) when I treat her as if she is the same person today that she was yesterday. I can go on and on about her growth, and how we're heading in good directions...

yet still act with the mindset that she will respond just the same way today as she did yesterday.

 

Our survival (I'd like to coin a new word here:

thrival~I want more than just surviving~) may be dependent on my willingness 

to be fluid in my interactions while I am constant in my expectations.

She needs constant from me so she can be variable in her responses. She needs to try out different actions to "see what will fit" both her personality and the course in which I am steering her. She needs to be unpredictable at this stage so I can respond positively (or negatively)

to her attempts in find her new social, and family place. What worked, or even what didn't work, in the orphanage needs to be attempted, and discarded if need be. That's her job for now.

It can make me a little crazy.

She needs me to prove to her the same thing I pledged to Mark 26 mostly-wonderful years ago:

"I promise you my Constant Faith and Abiding Love."

 

She has to learn that I will be pointing her in the same direction EVERY stinkin' time. 

She has to believe that I have faith that she'll make good choices.

She needs to know we will always be there. Always.

She needs to "feel the love," so to speak.

I had a thing about Ben and Beth at the times of their coming home (each as newborns) that I was going to tote them around more than I had our biological kids. I shared my other children pretty freely with those around us. Not Ben and Beth. They needed to be in my or Mark's arms and no one else's. They had learned their birth mothers' movements, and sounds for 9 months prior to arrival in our family. I was going to "give them 9 months" in my arms to learn me and my movements. I felt the same way about Matthew's first 12 months apart from us. 

 

If that was sound reasoning, then I have at least a 6 year investment ahead before I can expect her to fully trust our constancy and love. In some ways, I think I have to "oulast" the caregivers who "abandoned" her at 6 years in order to prove I won't. 

 

I'm sure I can do that. Now, she needs to be sure.

And it may take us awhile.

One day, Maylin's one weakness may be her fondness for our dog, Lucy. 

Today, a 15 second pat/rub on Lucy's side was enough.

The Other Side of Expectations

So, how is Derschdom on 8.27.11?

Wouldn't you like to be able to ask Maylin that?

I'd love to be able to get inside her head for just a little bit and figure out how she is processing this adoption/moving to the "new orphanage"/family life thing.

It's interesting to watch her form different relationships with each of us. 

She has 9 people in her family, 

and a b'zillion people that kinda' live here, 

plus the friends we see on a regular basis at 

school, 

church, and

other places.

She has lots of relationships into which she will invest--

which also means she has lots of people who will be investing in her.

There are already methods of communication that she expects with me. 

I don't deal well with "whiny voice," or "limp noodles."

(okay, "I don't deal well" actually translates into "I will train out of you.") 

Maylin tries those tactics with me, but abandons them sooner than later. 

Smart girl. 

She was adorably sweet and loving with me on Friday,

with lots of unsolicited hugs, wo ai ni 

(spoken, "whoa eye knee" and means I love you) and multi-kisses.

Maylin asks for BaBa more than once every work day...

She is satisfied with, "BaBa is at work," as if she has a clue what I'm saying. 

When Daddy arrives home, she is "much more afraid of Lucy" 

until he doesn't buy the act, and makes her deal with Lucy just like I have.

She loves to get him to throw her around, and make her giggle.

Daddy has figured out that he gets to do that at 6pm, not at 8pm.

Apparently, adrenaline makes bedtime a little more difficult.

With the 4 oldest siblings, Maylin likes to be hauled around 

while she directs the activities and places

  where they, her loyal subjects, will amuse her.

With the three oldest boys, but especially Austin, 

she mocks words just to tease.

It's difficult to have a serious conversation with anyone 

while the Parrot is cackling your words back at you.

Ben is doing a great job nurturing and teaching as opportunity permits. 

He does get a little aggressive in trying to continue 

the lesson after she's lost interest (which is pretty quickly right now.)

 Beth and Maylin are still jockeying for Alpha Female

(as if we don't already have two of those around here.)

Beth enjoys mothering; Maylin enjoys being babied. 

It's a symbiotic relationship until the "Baby" gets demanding, and the "Mother" quits.

(BOY, do I empathize with Beth on that one!!)

Matthew isn't large enough to tote her around so his usefulness is 

relegated to being Finder of Fun Toys 

(which she then gets to whine about wanting.)

He's sweet about it, and he's learning to be kind while maintaining boundaries. 

Well, kind of. 

At least, he's trying.

The Lucy-Maylin saga is creeping forward in a positive direction.

Maylin was in Justin's arms when he squatted to pat Lucy, and

Maylin volunteered a tentative touch and was satisfied.

Lucy was free-roaming in the house all day today, and Maylin only had a couple issues. 

She's almost proud of herself for walking by her, until Lucy turns to look at Maylin, then she gets a little anxious. (the girl, not the dog)

Today marks two weeks that we've been home.

That was my sort-of goal for First Contact.

She's been very uncomfortable when we have stopped at people's homes. 

Not sure what that is. I'll update you when I get a grip on that.

So, the always-analyzing-Momma (which actually is a laugh since I was NOT blessed with that skill as a natural "hardwire" in my brain. Really. Ask the men in my family.) can see how God is peaking Maylin's learning curve with our varied styles of interaction.

I am good at seeing where the situation is heading and steering us in a more desirable course.

Mark is great at making her "use her words" for every. stinking. thing. 

Jon and Justin have agendas in getting her to touch the animals, as well as nurturing her.

Anne is learning Mandarin and will hopefully help keep Maylin's first language functional while she learns English.

In mocking Austin, her mouth is coincidentally learning how to form the sounds she will be needing for English, as well as building a silly-bond that is needed for all relationships with Austin.

Ben looks up words on GoogleTranslate (http://translate.google.com/#auto|zh-CN|wo%20ai%20ni) to help communicate with Maylin. He tries to reach into her world while we often try to pull her into ours.

Beth spends hours toting her in the pool, and is stretching her in sharing.

Matthew is Finder of Fun Toys. What else do we want from him?!

It seems like Maylin is really doing well.

She is still not a morning person (which means we'll have two females vying for AlphaGrouch one of these days) She sees photos of her orphanage friends and excitedly tells us their names.Yet, when

a Chinese friend used the word "orphanage" in conversation about our buying and donating shoes (to an orphanage in Honduras,) Maylin shut down. She is obedient about things I assume she'll argue with me about, while she picks an apparently random issue about which to have a meltdown.

Pretty much a regular kid, don't you think?

And FYI: Don't compete with us. We rock at charades.

The Busy Stuff of Childhood

Peace out with Justin

cool camera+hot humid evening=fogged lens

Both of these are scary beasts

Initiate stripping sequence

How many times does a Barbie need to be washed?

Until the soap runs out...

Great Expectations

I'm not all into the original work by that title.
I like some of Charles Dickens' work.
Most Americans have at least been exposed to his work.
I mean, who hasn't use a fake English accent to quote the diminutive
Timothy Cratchit (a.k.a. Tiny Tim)
"God bless us, every one!"

But Great Expectations, the story, seems a bit depressing, don't you think?
In the Dickens story, Pip sets his "Great Expectations" on the wealth of an unknown benefactor 

and eventually, finds himself penniless and nearly friendless because of his self-absorption, and ambition. 

As with many novels with social class and ambition as a theme,
Pip then makes good.

Yeah, Pip. 

That was a total digress from a point I hadn't even made yet.

I have spent the beginning of this week 

contemplating Expectations.

Today marked our 12th day home together.

What did I expect? What did Maylin expect?

What are appropriate expectations from the siblings? 

What should I expect from a child who is processing so many things on so many levels?

What to do when I realize I had expectations that I didn't know I had?

These are the things weird dreams are made of.

Or a Dr. Seuss book.

When you ask me (as some of my six blog readers have,)
Is her behavior what you expected?

I have honestly answered, I had no expectations.

I was well-read on older child adoption. I have considered lots of aspects of international adoption. I read several books regarding Ch*na adoptions and the multi-faceted social/political issues that are involved.

I've lived adoption; I've raised six year olds; I had lined up resources for potential problems we may face.

I covered lots of ground.

 I was as "prepared" as well as almost anyone who's never done this before.

My "expectations" were that Maylin would fall somewhere in a range of
potential scenarios from really psychotic to well-adjusted. 

That was reasonable, don't you think?

I think (pause here with pursed lips and nod head slightly...)  

I did okay with those expectations.

Maylin's behavior does fall within that spectrum, and I am very thankful that she's on the "easier" and "normal" side of that continuum. She acts like a six year old. She sometimes acts younger. She is bright, and inquisitive, and a funny card. She can be unreasonable (which I think is perfectly reasonable in her position.) She enjoys charming people, but doesn't turn it off and on in a manipulative way. She reacts with "justifiable fear" and is learning to manage the angst her fears might cause.

She is really pretty normal

(except, she fits in with this family, which may negate that "normal" assessment.)

But, now that we're home, and beginning to learn each other, and interacting, and beginning the long range goals of adult-rearing...I have to create expectations...goals.

In our daily experiences, I know I need short-range goals
("get through this tantrum without being angry with her")
and long-range goals
("move her toward talking her emotions out with me.")

I worked so hard at NO Expectations
that switching gears to assessing where we both are, and how that fits into this family, and what situations I need to create in order to facilitate her growth in healthy ways, (in other words: Expectations)
is just hard work!

I need wisdom in finding the balance in where Maylin is (or any of the kids, ages 9-23) and where they, age appropriately, ought to be. With Maylin, my learning curve is a little skewed by the fact we only have a 24 day history, and I have no information about her previous training. My arsenal of child-rearing tactics is on hold tentatively while we try to move forward without overwhelming either of us. I think we're distilling all the niceties of life into two key points:
Learning to Trust and Learning to Obey.


I hope I can create an environment encourages Maylin to Trust and to Obey. She needs to know that Baba and I will do our very best to give her what she needs, not necessarily what she wants (whoa--possible tantrum ahead...) And we'll lovingly insist that she will do what we ask (while we lovingly choose our few demands wisely.)

I cannot escape the parallels to my relationship with my own Father, 
the One Who sends me flowers so routinely.

So, if you see me staring at one of the children with my eyebrows a little squinchy and my head tilted, pray for us. It means I'm in the assessing mode and am searching (a.k.a praying) to recognize the heart issue, and how to promote the heart change needed to produce the behavior that pleases God. 
I really want my Expectations to be Great ones.

I should be in bed, prepping in my weird dream world, for tomorrow's issues.
I also have more thoughts on expectations to share.

Writing my posts multiple times a day (in my head) may be my one weakness.

The Shell Game

Ever been puzzled by the Shell Game?

You know, the dude on the sidewalk with a TV tray and a set of 3 cups hides
a small red ball under one of them and 

moves the cups around a few times...then, no matter how hard you tried to follow 

the cup you were sure he'd put the ball under...

Shazaam, No Ball.

Statues in Guangzhou on the Pedestrian Street

How does that happen?

Practice.

I'll be honest with you,we're getting good at a similar game at Our House.

It's because we Practice. 

Our Game:

Maylin inside the house~Lucy (our 45 fuzzy pounds of canine happiness) outside.

Maylin outside~Lucy roams the house.

Maylin in bed with the door shut~Lucy granted house freedom.

Lucy with a door between her and Maylin~Maylin content.

Lucy with only air between her and Maylin~Maylin very anxious.

Justin observed it's like a revolving door.

(the irony in that statement is that we have so many people coming and going around here on 

"a normal day" 

that we've always joked about the revolving front door anyway. 

Guess we now have a revolving back door, also)

I had set in my own head (for no particular reason) that by 2 weeks, 

I think she'll be mostly past the terror. Maylin has progressed 

from screaming terror anytime she saw Lucy 

to voluntarily watching through the glass door as the siblings played with the dog.

Progress. I'll take it. 

This is only Day 5 of Indoctrination in the Ways of Dersch, so I think she's doing great.

The other little issue is kind of a Littles' issue.

(I've referred to our three youngest kids as 

The Littles 

since they were toddlers and I realized we couldn't call them 

The Babies

for the rest of their lives...but we would end up doing that if we didn't change the habit sooner than later.)

The Littles' issue that is still a little issue is Maylin's time zones...

Her brain is stuck somewhere between here and China. She is tired by bedtime and goes down with little complaint. But her internal clock wakes her up VERY early...and she feels compelled to wake up her siblings--even Justin who is grouped with "The Bigs." Monday, she was roaming by 5am, and apparently this morning, Maylin started "the Bugle Call: Reveille" around 4am. 

The Chicken Man (a real one sells candy...as you see below)

Smallest store in Guangzhou (you're looking at the whole thing here)

Beth is my sleepy cat-girl, so she got smarter today and showed 

Maylin that is was still "sleeping time" by crawling back in bed--and it worked. 

(Even though all the lights were on in their room, the bath, the hall and the schoolroom!) 

The kids were all still asleep when I checked at 6:30.

We'll eventually get her internal clock reset, and then we'll probably fight getting her up on time to get the kids to school...but that can be tomorrow's trouble, since today has enough of it's own...

Days When the Flowers aren't Easy to See

Sometimes we need 

perspective.

Perspective has been defined as:

a : the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed  

<places the issues in proper perspective>;

b : the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance 

<trying to maintain my perspective>

The Troubles we each have are real enough, aren't they? 

But sometimes, I think I get bogged down a bit in the troubles (and even occasionally, the joys) that seem so much a part of my world that I forget that there is a bigger world. 

On Sunday, I asked God to keep my vision off "only us"

while we become this new family, 

while we get our new rhythm . 

It's just so easy for me to get myopic.

I mean, I realize that my primary focus needs to be on those under my own roof, and that I am called to be the momma of many for this time, but I'm wary that I will get sucked into my own little world (ever-expanding as it is!) and I just don't want to BE that small.

I hummed Brandon Heath's

Give Me Your Eyes

through much of our China Adventures. 

While bringing home Maylin was intensely personal, 

I didn't want this new experience to be about "only us."

All that to say, a friend had an immense loss today, and 

sharing in her pain helps put  

my life in perspective.

Maylin's screaming at the pediatrician visit today?...no problem.

Her temper when she thought Beth mistreated her?...no problem.

The achy head from messin' with my time zones?...no problem.

The overheating pool pump?

The increased price of my favorite fabric softener?

The missing school forms?

The milk spilled on the newly-mopped floor?

With a renewed "capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance," I have to admit that my tone is telling the kids more than I think my voice is. A 10 year old let loose in the kitchen certainly needs to be more careful, and she does need to clean up after herself, and she ought to cream the butter and sugar first before she adds the eggs...but can I instruct her on ONE of those today, and deal with the other items later? Maybe I could read through the recipe with her instead of finishing the folding and sighing that I'd be "there in a minute." 

EVERY mother I have ever read or talked to that has suffered the death of her child bemoans the lost moments when she could have injected joy into life with her child. I think of that when I'm at a loss in training these young hearts. 

I sincerely believe personal growth requires

"delight and struggle" (Charlotte Mason) 

but do I allow room for great delight in their days after I've seen the struggle? 

I guess my challenge to me today was to have discernment in what things are "character builders" or are "character breakers." 

Living in the moment, but choosing to focus on the big picture, not the moment.

Because, I am not raising children. I'm raising adults.

ALL home together

Just warning you up front...I'm tired.

And crabby.

Some of it's plain ol' we-just-spent-62-hours-on-international-travel.

Some is the whole day/night time zone issue.

Some of it's hormones (such an ugly admission.)

Some of it is life re-entry and the subsequent issues that always brings.

Some of it, there doesn't have to be a reason.

But I'm okay with being crabby as long as I think I won't be this way forever.

I don't especially like me this way, so I doubt the rest of you do.

It was so nice when the kids met us at the airport in Orlando. It was great to hug their necks, even though it felt like their necks were a few inches farther from their feet than they were when we last saw them (23 days ago for the Littles)

Our travel was not-as-planned since China wouldn't allow Maylin (traveling on a Chinese passport) to enter Taiwan without the appropriate VISA. Well, that would have been good to know when we booked those tickets, eh? Mark had checked VISA requirements, and the internet said we didn't need one. Hmmm.

We showed up at the airport at 2pm on Thursday (2am EST) to check in for the flight to Taipei, and were told they wouldn't let Maylin on the plane. That don't work.

In the end, the story can condense to this:

We purchased 3 tickets to fly Guangzhou, China to Hong Kong. 

(run, run, run to gate. wait, wait, wait for the delayed flight)

Fly Hong Kong to Taipei, Taiwan.

(run, run, run to gate. wait, wait, wait for another delayed flight.)

Fly Taipei to LA (12 hour flight)

Maylin enters the US of A and becomes a citizen. 

Too tired to cry, but too happy to talk.

(I made note that the US Customs and Immigration Officer that did her paperwork was a pleasant Hispanic dude called, De Jesus. Made me smile) 

Is it sacrilegious to say, Thank you, DeJesus?

Miss the final flight to Orlando because of our international flight being late.

Cry at ticket counter.

Check into hotel and gratefully eat an extremely yummy hamburger at 12m California time. (PST)

(3pm China-tummy time)

Return to airport at 6:30am PST.

Fly to Orlando (5 hour flight) to meet the family.(4:30pm EST)

Yeah! Cheesecake Factory, then home.

Maylin was pleased to see the four sibs and future sister-in-law she'd already met in China, and is warming up to the other three. She had a rough time going to sleep last night at 12:30...well, actually closer to 1:45am since she cried for 50 minutes. She only cried for about 15 minutes when we put her to nap this afternoon.

Lots of flowers. Lots of seeds. Lots of patience needed.

One very specific need is for her fear of all animals to be replaced by trust and a sound mind. There is no way for us to know why she is deathly afraid of animals (all...like even sparrows and butterflies...) but life will be difficult for her (and our dog, Lucy) until that particular hurdle is behind us. Mark and I need wisdom.